I've been flying since I was a kid in the late 1960's, I've done a lot of miles with some of the worst airlines on some of the worst planes imaginable, I've taken flights in the mountains and landed during an earthquake, but nothing compares to a bad experience in economy.
I hope the guy in the toilet socks burned them once he left the plane! Your line about the meerkat-like response to the trolley is hilarious! 🤣
Oh, the memories of flying between Heathrow to Dallas-Fort Worth and back again come zooming back!!!
Both ways, I had someone in front of me who had their seat down for the entire journey. I was so crushed and struggled to eat. We flew on an American plane and I was surprised no one asked them to put their seats up for meals - they always do on British planes, in my experience. I didn't put my seat back because the people behind were against a partition and couldn't have put their seats back. So I just quietly, Britishly suffered.
On the red-eye back, there were two arseholes about ten rows in front who were talking across the aisle, with their lights on *all bloody night long*. There was terrible turbulence so my sleep was disturbed by the plane shuddering and jerking, them talking and laughing (why did no one tell them to shut up and turn their lights off? I was tempted but sometimes I'm too British, alas), and a weird dream when I *could* sleep which was basically that bit from "Airplane!" when the in-flight movie is a reel of plane crashes. Thanks, brain!
Haha those sound like some memorable flight stories, for sure. They should really ban reclining before meal service on long hauls, IMO. At the very least the crew need to mention it during the meal service itself. But at least we get where we need to go (and we don’t need to burn our socks).
Oh, I forgot to add one thing I have observed on dozens of long-haul flights: It is apparently obligatory that at least one passenger be watching Crazy Rich Asians on every flight. If no one is watching the movie, the plane can’t fly.
So funny, and so spot on. As someone who overindulges on wine on flights, I could think of something along those lines to add but I'd only be embarrassing myself 😂
Great piece Scott. Laughed out loud. Confirms why I would rather swim, walk or crawl these days rather than fly...but being from Australia, those long haulers are impossible to avoid...I am destined to be always one of that cast of misfits that populate every flight, giving cause to ponder how humanity ever made it this far and questioning my sanity for actually choosing to do this...again...
Sad, but true. I flew almost daily for 8 years as a surprise auditor for a large US rental car company. I survived by wearing ear plugs, eye masks and refusing any attempts at being disturbed. I knew what I would witness, and knew it would wreck my day, so I became a well dressed possum, pretending to be dead. Worse? Hawaii. Between the muffled moans and smells, of newlyweds humping and giggling, I prayed to be in a coma. “Did you have a nice flight?”, I’d be asked daily. To which I’d reply, “I’m so happy to be here!” Most flight attendants knew me, and we all knew to do the spiel and pretend we weren’t feeling like flying chattel.
It’s always an adventure even when everything goes well. I reached a point where I no longer wanted any stress during flights. It’s exhausting. No one wants a cynical auditor. I was called, “The Seagull” - “he flies in without an invite, eats up our time and money, then shits on us as he flies off to the next city!” It was a stressful job, so I avoided the circuses awaiting me with each flight by pretending I was just taking a nap at a zoo.
On a recent long haul flight (I travelled with a female friend) we sat by the toilets (for the extra legroom) and I guy kept using the toilet near us with the door open. My friend saw everything and when we reported the member of staff told us he was washing his hands (absolutely not, he was holding himself to wee).
Same guy got up to use the toilet during landing. Staff were strapped in and repeatedly told him to sit - eventually had to physically return him to his seat and strap him in.
While a distasteful detail, the most stark recollection of the 13+ hours from SFO to Chengdu related to the plane condition. What started as a glossy newish giant Airbus with sparkling lavatories, was a filthy wreck by the time you get to Asia. No where near sufficient capacity for the number of people and their cultural quirks. It must take hours on each end to rehabilitate the economy sections of those planes.
I too watch other people's movies and try to figure out the plot. It's even better entertainment when they aren't watching the same movie. Just survived my first long haul flight to Australia.
My husband and I live in Switzerland, but our kids and moms both live in the US, so we take transatlantic flights several times a year. Your very funny article describes the experience perfectly. I am always the person pacing back and forth in the aisle and getting stuck behind the beverage cart. Speaking of which, the most bizarre aspect of long-haul flights to me is how constantly they feed you. According to my body clock, it’s 3am! No, I don’t want a focaccia roll! I once asked a flight attendant why they keep offering us food, and she said the food made the passengers drowsy and less likely to cause problems.
I have to agree that no one wants a focaccia roll of carbs at 3am but if it does make people drowsier that is all good. I’d imagine they like the wine for that too as long as someone isn’t overserved.
Thanks, but sorry for the ptsd. We are all traumatized by the economy cabin.
I've been flying since I was a kid in the late 1960's, I've done a lot of miles with some of the worst airlines on some of the worst planes imaginable, I've taken flights in the mountains and landed during an earthquake, but nothing compares to a bad experience in economy.
I hope the guy in the toilet socks burned them once he left the plane! Your line about the meerkat-like response to the trolley is hilarious! 🤣
Oh, the memories of flying between Heathrow to Dallas-Fort Worth and back again come zooming back!!!
Both ways, I had someone in front of me who had their seat down for the entire journey. I was so crushed and struggled to eat. We flew on an American plane and I was surprised no one asked them to put their seats up for meals - they always do on British planes, in my experience. I didn't put my seat back because the people behind were against a partition and couldn't have put their seats back. So I just quietly, Britishly suffered.
On the red-eye back, there were two arseholes about ten rows in front who were talking across the aisle, with their lights on *all bloody night long*. There was terrible turbulence so my sleep was disturbed by the plane shuddering and jerking, them talking and laughing (why did no one tell them to shut up and turn their lights off? I was tempted but sometimes I'm too British, alas), and a weird dream when I *could* sleep which was basically that bit from "Airplane!" when the in-flight movie is a reel of plane crashes. Thanks, brain!
Haha those sound like some memorable flight stories, for sure. They should really ban reclining before meal service on long hauls, IMO. At the very least the crew need to mention it during the meal service itself. But at least we get where we need to go (and we don’t need to burn our socks).
Spoken like a true Brit: too polite to complain at the time but still festering about it years later. 🇬🇧
This was brilliant, and so accurate that it brought back everything I so hate about long haul flying.
Thanks, Sophie (but sorry to do that to you, as well).
My neck and back hurt just from reading this.
My apologies, maybe I can snag an extra granola bar from the cart when they bring it around.
Oh, I forgot to add one thing I have observed on dozens of long-haul flights: It is apparently obligatory that at least one passenger be watching Crazy Rich Asians on every flight. If no one is watching the movie, the plane can’t fly.
This is another great observation!
So funny, and so spot on. As someone who overindulges on wine on flights, I could think of something along those lines to add but I'd only be embarrassing myself 😂
It happens to the best of us, but it would definitely be at home in the piece and as a persona on the passenger manifest.
Great piece Scott. Laughed out loud. Confirms why I would rather swim, walk or crawl these days rather than fly...but being from Australia, those long haulers are impossible to avoid...I am destined to be always one of that cast of misfits that populate every flight, giving cause to ponder how humanity ever made it this far and questioning my sanity for actually choosing to do this...again...
Oh yes, if you're traveling from Australia, they are definitely unavoidable. Cheers to the misfits, may they always keep us entertained.
We do our best 😁
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This made me laugh. Some great observations, and this is so true: “We are a miniature society now, and the injustices began before takeoff.”
Thanks, Tom. And I get placed into my role in that quite quickly, ha.
Sad, but true. I flew almost daily for 8 years as a surprise auditor for a large US rental car company. I survived by wearing ear plugs, eye masks and refusing any attempts at being disturbed. I knew what I would witness, and knew it would wreck my day, so I became a well dressed possum, pretending to be dead. Worse? Hawaii. Between the muffled moans and smells, of newlyweds humping and giggling, I prayed to be in a coma. “Did you have a nice flight?”, I’d be asked daily. To which I’d reply, “I’m so happy to be here!” Most flight attendants knew me, and we all knew to do the spiel and pretend we weren’t feeling like flying chattel.
With that much flying in sure you’ve seen it all.
It’s always an adventure even when everything goes well. I reached a point where I no longer wanted any stress during flights. It’s exhausting. No one wants a cynical auditor. I was called, “The Seagull” - “he flies in without an invite, eats up our time and money, then shits on us as he flies off to the next city!” It was a stressful job, so I avoided the circuses awaiting me with each flight by pretending I was just taking a nap at a zoo.
On a recent long haul flight (I travelled with a female friend) we sat by the toilets (for the extra legroom) and I guy kept using the toilet near us with the door open. My friend saw everything and when we reported the member of staff told us he was washing his hands (absolutely not, he was holding himself to wee).
Same guy got up to use the toilet during landing. Staff were strapped in and repeatedly told him to sit - eventually had to physically return him to his seat and strap him in.
Oh wow, what a terrible experience sounds like he might have been overserved?
We did suggest that as he was reeling a bit, but were told by staff that he was disabled, which seemed strange as he was never accompanied by anyone.
While a distasteful detail, the most stark recollection of the 13+ hours from SFO to Chengdu related to the plane condition. What started as a glossy newish giant Airbus with sparkling lavatories, was a filthy wreck by the time you get to Asia. No where near sufficient capacity for the number of people and their cultural quirks. It must take hours on each end to rehabilitate the economy sections of those planes.
The bathrooms are always so bad on a long haul. Some crews keep them cleaner but they still have to deal with that.
I'm very familiar with letting the person sitting diagonally in front of me to the left choosing what we'll watch for the flight.
Infinitely more interesting than anything you can put on our own screen.
I too watch other people's movies and try to figure out the plot. It's even better entertainment when they aren't watching the same movie. Just survived my first long haul flight to Australia.
Congrats on surviving that long haul to Australia. Those are really long runs!
This account of a long haul flight reiterates what I have come to know as truth after all my travels…
We, humans, are mostly the same no matter where we come from or where we are going.
Really enjoyed this. Nice work.👌
Thanks, it is funny how universal these experiences are isn’t it? Cheers to more adventures!
I beg to differ…a general lack of consideration and self-awareness is more present in some than others.
Ha ha ha ha oh man, this is awesome! It’s something so hilarious naming a person ”the man in 38C” 😎 I enjoyed piece a lot!!!
Thanks Stina glad you enjoyed it hopefully you’ll think of it on your next long haul back!
Gave me ptsd but I couldn’t look away. Loved the dry humor
My husband and I live in Switzerland, but our kids and moms both live in the US, so we take transatlantic flights several times a year. Your very funny article describes the experience perfectly. I am always the person pacing back and forth in the aisle and getting stuck behind the beverage cart. Speaking of which, the most bizarre aspect of long-haul flights to me is how constantly they feed you. According to my body clock, it’s 3am! No, I don’t want a focaccia roll! I once asked a flight attendant why they keep offering us food, and she said the food made the passengers drowsy and less likely to cause problems.
I have to agree that no one wants a focaccia roll of carbs at 3am but if it does make people drowsier that is all good. I’d imagine they like the wine for that too as long as someone isn’t overserved.