I hope the guy in the toilet socks burned them once he left the plane! Your line about the meerkat-like response to the trolley is hilarious! 🤣
Oh, the memories of flying between Heathrow to Dallas-Fort Worth and back again come zooming back!!!
Both ways, I had someone in front of me who had their seat down for the entire journey. I was so crushed and struggled to eat. We flew on an American plane and I was surprised no one asked them to put their seats up for meals - they always do on British planes, in my experience. I didn't put my seat back because the people behind were against a partition and couldn't have put their seats back. So I just quietly, Britishly suffered.
On the red-eye back, there were two arseholes about ten rows in front who were talking across the aisle, with their lights on *all bloody night long*. There was terrible turbulence so my sleep was disturbed by the plane shuddering and jerking, them talking and laughing (why did no one tell them to shut up and turn their lights off? I was tempted but sometimes I'm too British, alas), and a weird dream when I *could* sleep which was basically that bit from "Airplane!" when the in-flight movie is a reel of plane crashes. Thanks, brain!
Haha those sound like some memorable flight stories, for sure. They should really ban reclining before meal service on long hauls, IMO. At the very least the crew need to mention it during the meal service itself. But at least we get where we need to go (and we don’t need to burn our socks).
So funny, and so spot on. As someone who overindulges on wine on flights, I could think of something along those lines to add but I'd only be embarrassing myself 😂
Oh, I forgot to add one thing I have observed on dozens of long-haul flights: It is apparently obligatory that at least one passenger be watching Crazy Rich Asians on every flight. If no one is watching the movie, the plane can’t fly.
Great piece Scott. Laughed out loud. Confirms why I would rather swim, walk or crawl these days rather than fly...but being from Australia, those long haulers are impossible to avoid...I am destined to be always one of that cast of misfits that populate every flight, giving cause to ponder how humanity ever made it this far and questioning my sanity for actually choosing to do this...again...
Sad, but true. I flew almost daily for 8 years as a surprise auditor for a large US rental car company. I survived by wearing ear plugs, eye masks and refusing any attempts at being disturbed. I knew what I would witness, and knew it would wreck my day, so I became a well dressed possum, pretending to be dead. Worse? Hawaii. Between the muffled moans and smells, of newlyweds humping and giggling, I prayed to be in a coma. “Did you have a nice flight?”, I’d be asked daily. To which I’d reply, “I’m so happy to be here!” Most flight attendants knew me, and we all knew to do the spiel and pretend we weren’t feeling like flying chattel.
It’s always an adventure even when everything goes well. I reached a point where I no longer wanted any stress during flights. It’s exhausting. No one wants a cynical auditor. I was called, “The Seagull” - “he flies in without an invite, eats up our time and money, then shits on us as he flies off to the next city!” It was a stressful job, so I avoided the circuses awaiting me with each flight by pretending I was just taking a nap at a zoo.
I’ve been forced to use a heavily scented hand balm under my nose due to my seat proximity to the toilets. And I think the idea of pharmaceuticals can be a wise choice. But will I do it again…of course.
On a recent long haul flight (I travelled with a female friend) we sat by the toilets (for the extra legroom) and I guy kept using the toilet near us with the door open. My friend saw everything and when we reported the member of staff told us he was washing his hands (absolutely not, he was holding himself to wee).
Same guy got up to use the toilet during landing. Staff were strapped in and repeatedly told him to sit - eventually had to physically return him to his seat and strap him in.
Thanks, but sorry for the ptsd. We are all traumatized by the economy cabin.
I hope the guy in the toilet socks burned them once he left the plane! Your line about the meerkat-like response to the trolley is hilarious! 🤣
Oh, the memories of flying between Heathrow to Dallas-Fort Worth and back again come zooming back!!!
Both ways, I had someone in front of me who had their seat down for the entire journey. I was so crushed and struggled to eat. We flew on an American plane and I was surprised no one asked them to put their seats up for meals - they always do on British planes, in my experience. I didn't put my seat back because the people behind were against a partition and couldn't have put their seats back. So I just quietly, Britishly suffered.
On the red-eye back, there were two arseholes about ten rows in front who were talking across the aisle, with their lights on *all bloody night long*. There was terrible turbulence so my sleep was disturbed by the plane shuddering and jerking, them talking and laughing (why did no one tell them to shut up and turn their lights off? I was tempted but sometimes I'm too British, alas), and a weird dream when I *could* sleep which was basically that bit from "Airplane!" when the in-flight movie is a reel of plane crashes. Thanks, brain!
Haha those sound like some memorable flight stories, for sure. They should really ban reclining before meal service on long hauls, IMO. At the very least the crew need to mention it during the meal service itself. But at least we get where we need to go (and we don’t need to burn our socks).
This was brilliant, and so accurate that it brought back everything I so hate about long haul flying.
Thanks, Sophie (but sorry to do that to you, as well).
My neck and back hurt just from reading this.
My apologies, maybe I can snag an extra granola bar from the cart when they bring it around.
So funny, and so spot on. As someone who overindulges on wine on flights, I could think of something along those lines to add but I'd only be embarrassing myself 😂
It happens to the best of us, but it would definitely be at home in the piece and as a persona on the passenger manifest.
Oh, I forgot to add one thing I have observed on dozens of long-haul flights: It is apparently obligatory that at least one passenger be watching Crazy Rich Asians on every flight. If no one is watching the movie, the plane can’t fly.
This is another great observation!
Great piece Scott. Laughed out loud. Confirms why I would rather swim, walk or crawl these days rather than fly...but being from Australia, those long haulers are impossible to avoid...I am destined to be always one of that cast of misfits that populate every flight, giving cause to ponder how humanity ever made it this far and questioning my sanity for actually choosing to do this...again...
Oh yes, if you're traveling from Australia, they are definitely unavoidable. Cheers to the misfits, may they always keep us entertained.
We do our best 😁
Nailed it.
Thanks, Michael.
Sad, but true. I flew almost daily for 8 years as a surprise auditor for a large US rental car company. I survived by wearing ear plugs, eye masks and refusing any attempts at being disturbed. I knew what I would witness, and knew it would wreck my day, so I became a well dressed possum, pretending to be dead. Worse? Hawaii. Between the muffled moans and smells, of newlyweds humping and giggling, I prayed to be in a coma. “Did you have a nice flight?”, I’d be asked daily. To which I’d reply, “I’m so happy to be here!” Most flight attendants knew me, and we all knew to do the spiel and pretend we weren’t feeling like flying chattel.
With that much flying in sure you’ve seen it all.
It’s always an adventure even when everything goes well. I reached a point where I no longer wanted any stress during flights. It’s exhausting. No one wants a cynical auditor. I was called, “The Seagull” - “he flies in without an invite, eats up our time and money, then shits on us as he flies off to the next city!” It was a stressful job, so I avoided the circuses awaiting me with each flight by pretending I was just taking a nap at a zoo.
😂😂
Perfectly and hilariously observed!
Thank you!
-you defined the long haul flight
Thanks!
When I say that I have a fear of flying, this is what I mean.
Sorry to bring up the trauma.
Haha the algo fed me this midway through an 18 hour flight. I feel seen! 🙂
Very thankful it did. Hopefully it wasn’t too bad of a flight for you.
I’ve been forced to use a heavily scented hand balm under my nose due to my seat proximity to the toilets. And I think the idea of pharmaceuticals can be a wise choice. But will I do it again…of course.
We all just keep coming back for more. The balm under the nose is a good trick in general, not just for the airplane toilets!
On a recent long haul flight (I travelled with a female friend) we sat by the toilets (for the extra legroom) and I guy kept using the toilet near us with the door open. My friend saw everything and when we reported the member of staff told us he was washing his hands (absolutely not, he was holding himself to wee).
Same guy got up to use the toilet during landing. Staff were strapped in and repeatedly told him to sit - eventually had to physically return him to his seat and strap him in.
Oh wow, what a terrible experience sounds like he might have been overserved?
We did suggest that as he was reeling a bit, but were told by staff that he was disabled, which seemed strange as he was never accompanied by anyone.