I hope the guy in the toilet socks burned them once he left the plane! Your line about the meerkat-like response to the trolley is hilarious! 🤣
Oh, the memories of flying between Heathrow to Dallas-Fort Worth and back again come zooming back!!!
Both ways, I had someone in front of me who had their seat down for the entire journey. I was so crushed and struggled to eat. We flew on an American plane and I was surprised no one asked them to put their seats up for meals - they always do on British planes, in my experience. I didn't put my seat back because the people behind were against a partition and couldn't have put their seats back. So I just quietly, Britishly suffered.
On the red-eye back, there were two arseholes about ten rows in front who were talking across the aisle, with their lights on *all bloody night long*. There was terrible turbulence so my sleep was disturbed by the plane shuddering and jerking, them talking and laughing (why did no one tell them to shut up and turn their lights off? I was tempted but sometimes I'm too British, alas), and a weird dream when I *could* sleep which was basically that bit from "Airplane!" when the in-flight movie is a reel of plane crashes. Thanks, brain!
Haha those sound like some memorable flight stories, for sure. They should really ban reclining before meal service on long hauls, IMO. At the very least the crew need to mention it during the meal service itself. But at least we get where we need to go (and we don’t need to burn our socks).
Oh, I forgot to add one thing I have observed on dozens of long-haul flights: It is apparently obligatory that at least one passenger be watching Crazy Rich Asians on every flight. If no one is watching the movie, the plane can’t fly.
Great piece Scott. Laughed out loud. Confirms why I would rather swim, walk or crawl these days rather than fly...but being from Australia, those long haulers are impossible to avoid...I am destined to be always one of that cast of misfits that populate every flight, giving cause to ponder how humanity ever made it this far and questioning my sanity for actually choosing to do this...again...
So funny, and so spot on. As someone who overindulges on wine on flights, I could think of something along those lines to add but I'd only be embarrassing myself 😂
I’ve been forced to use a heavily scented hand balm under my nose due to my seat proximity to the toilets. And I think the idea of pharmaceuticals can be a wise choice. But will I do it again…of course.
On a recent long haul flight (I travelled with a female friend) we sat by the toilets (for the extra legroom) and I guy kept using the toilet near us with the door open. My friend saw everything and when we reported the member of staff told us he was washing his hands (absolutely not, he was holding himself to wee).
Same guy got up to use the toilet during landing. Staff were strapped in and repeatedly told him to sit - eventually had to physically return him to his seat and strap him in.
While a distasteful detail, the most stark recollection of the 13+ hours from SFO to Chengdu related to the plane condition. What started as a glossy newish giant Airbus with sparkling lavatories, was a filthy wreck by the time you get to Asia. No where near sufficient capacity for the number of people and their cultural quirks. It must take hours on each end to rehabilitate the economy sections of those planes.
This is so on point it's giving me the heebies jeebies about flying. I have two (self-imposed) rules about method of travel:
1) By cruise ship. I used to live two miles from the main UK cruise terminals in Southampton. Now I live an arduous 40 minutes away. Even better if the cruise is free because I'm occasionally a guest lecturer.
I once sat behind someone who immediately reclined their seat and then leaned forward so that her back wasn’t even touching the seat. No, I didn’t say anything but I did mutter ‘rude things’.
I'm an anxious flyer, especially on long haul. Ideally, The Muse and I get a three spot between the two of us, she sleeps and I sit on the aisle watching Liam Neeson nonsense and wandering back to the crew area for repeated nightcaps.
This? This is my hell. And you've described it perfectly.
I too watch other people's movies and try to figure out the plot. It's even better entertainment when they aren't watching the same movie. Just survived my first long haul flight to Australia.
Thanks, but sorry for the ptsd. We are all traumatized by the economy cabin.
I hope the guy in the toilet socks burned them once he left the plane! Your line about the meerkat-like response to the trolley is hilarious! 🤣
Oh, the memories of flying between Heathrow to Dallas-Fort Worth and back again come zooming back!!!
Both ways, I had someone in front of me who had their seat down for the entire journey. I was so crushed and struggled to eat. We flew on an American plane and I was surprised no one asked them to put their seats up for meals - they always do on British planes, in my experience. I didn't put my seat back because the people behind were against a partition and couldn't have put their seats back. So I just quietly, Britishly suffered.
On the red-eye back, there were two arseholes about ten rows in front who were talking across the aisle, with their lights on *all bloody night long*. There was terrible turbulence so my sleep was disturbed by the plane shuddering and jerking, them talking and laughing (why did no one tell them to shut up and turn their lights off? I was tempted but sometimes I'm too British, alas), and a weird dream when I *could* sleep which was basically that bit from "Airplane!" when the in-flight movie is a reel of plane crashes. Thanks, brain!
Haha those sound like some memorable flight stories, for sure. They should really ban reclining before meal service on long hauls, IMO. At the very least the crew need to mention it during the meal service itself. But at least we get where we need to go (and we don’t need to burn our socks).
This was brilliant, and so accurate that it brought back everything I so hate about long haul flying.
Thanks, Sophie (but sorry to do that to you, as well).
My neck and back hurt just from reading this.
My apologies, maybe I can snag an extra granola bar from the cart when they bring it around.
Oh, I forgot to add one thing I have observed on dozens of long-haul flights: It is apparently obligatory that at least one passenger be watching Crazy Rich Asians on every flight. If no one is watching the movie, the plane can’t fly.
This is another great observation!
Great piece Scott. Laughed out loud. Confirms why I would rather swim, walk or crawl these days rather than fly...but being from Australia, those long haulers are impossible to avoid...I am destined to be always one of that cast of misfits that populate every flight, giving cause to ponder how humanity ever made it this far and questioning my sanity for actually choosing to do this...again...
Oh yes, if you're traveling from Australia, they are definitely unavoidable. Cheers to the misfits, may they always keep us entertained.
We do our best 😁
So funny, and so spot on. As someone who overindulges on wine on flights, I could think of something along those lines to add but I'd only be embarrassing myself 😂
It happens to the best of us, but it would definitely be at home in the piece and as a persona on the passenger manifest.
I’ve been forced to use a heavily scented hand balm under my nose due to my seat proximity to the toilets. And I think the idea of pharmaceuticals can be a wise choice. But will I do it again…of course.
We all just keep coming back for more. The balm under the nose is a good trick in general, not just for the airplane toilets!
On a recent long haul flight (I travelled with a female friend) we sat by the toilets (for the extra legroom) and I guy kept using the toilet near us with the door open. My friend saw everything and when we reported the member of staff told us he was washing his hands (absolutely not, he was holding himself to wee).
Same guy got up to use the toilet during landing. Staff were strapped in and repeatedly told him to sit - eventually had to physically return him to his seat and strap him in.
Oh wow, what a terrible experience sounds like he might have been overserved?
We did suggest that as he was reeling a bit, but were told by staff that he was disabled, which seemed strange as he was never accompanied by anyone.
Does a neck donut suppress or accentuate the meerkat response? Sock guy…hilarious!
Not sure I’ll need to keep my eyes out next time.
The meerkats line was perfect.
Thanks, John!
While a distasteful detail, the most stark recollection of the 13+ hours from SFO to Chengdu related to the plane condition. What started as a glossy newish giant Airbus with sparkling lavatories, was a filthy wreck by the time you get to Asia. No where near sufficient capacity for the number of people and their cultural quirks. It must take hours on each end to rehabilitate the economy sections of those planes.
The bathrooms are always so bad on a long haul. Some crews keep them cleaner but they still have to deal with that.
This is so on point it's giving me the heebies jeebies about flying. I have two (self-imposed) rules about method of travel:
1) By cruise ship. I used to live two miles from the main UK cruise terminals in Southampton. Now I live an arduous 40 minutes away. Even better if the cruise is free because I'm occasionally a guest lecturer.
2) Fly Business Class.
Wow, I didn’t know that was the case for guest lecturers on the ships but now that you say it, it makes sense!
I once sat behind someone who immediately reclined their seat and then leaned forward so that her back wasn’t even touching the seat. No, I didn’t say anything but I did mutter ‘rude things’.
I mean, not saying anything but muttering ‘rude things’ is exactly what I would have done.
I'm an anxious flyer, especially on long haul. Ideally, The Muse and I get a three spot between the two of us, she sleeps and I sit on the aisle watching Liam Neeson nonsense and wandering back to the crew area for repeated nightcaps.
This? This is my hell. And you've described it perfectly.
We all have our routines yours sounds pretty good!
I'm very familiar with letting the person sitting diagonally in front of me to the left choosing what we'll watch for the flight.
Infinitely more interesting than anything you can put on our own screen.
I too watch other people's movies and try to figure out the plot. It's even better entertainment when they aren't watching the same movie. Just survived my first long haul flight to Australia.
Congrats on surviving that long haul to Australia. Those are really long runs!