The Safari Big Five

A guide to those you encounter on a safari.

Yes, there are animals out there. No, they’re not the issue. (Illustration © Neve)

The Big Lens
Spotted in nearly every vehicle, this species carries a camera weighing more than a toddler, with unnecessary camouflage decals. Its natural instinct is to focus on whatever the Auto setting allows. The Big Lens is easily startled by the phrase, “Looks the same as my iPhone shot,” and will retreat into a defensive lecture on RAW files until left alone. Watch carefully at dusk, and you may observe its mating ritual: crouching low, whispering “National Geographic will love this,” while blocking the view of everyone else in the jeep.

The Checklist Spotter
Distinguished by a park program, binoculars, and a voice pitched to carry across savannah winds, the Checklist Spotter demands constant updates: “Have we done lion? Where’s leopard?” Once a sighting is confirmed, the animal is immediately disregarded as “done,” and the group is urged to proceed. If deprived of a rhino, this species grows restless and may sulk during sundowners. Its call is unmistakable: the feverish scratching of pen, followed by, “Can we move on?” Left unchecked, the Checklist Spotter may attempt to direct the driver, imagining itself David Attenborough.

The Lodge Loyalist
Identified by loafers unsuited to dust, this species thrives only in proximity to four-course meals. Its questions—“When’s the gin break?” or “Is there Wi-Fi at the watering hole?”—indicate a limited tolerance for prolonged wildlife encounters. Should the jeep have a prolonged stop near elephants, the Lodge Loyalist will begin discussing the lodge’s infinity pool until rescued. At peak stress, it may even attempt to order cocktails from the ranger, mistaking the safari for a poolside cabana. When finally returned to camp, the Lodge Loyalist can be found grazing contentedly at the buffet, describing the safari as “a bit long, but the Wagyu sliders were divine.”

The Nervous Prey Animal
Recognizable by a constant scanning of the horizon and an inability to sit still, this species frequently inquires whether lions can open car doors. It clutches insect repellent and records every hippo encounter as a near-death experience. Though harmless, the Nervous Prey Animal’s anxiety can spread contagiously through the herd. Its most common defense is the money belt, checked at quarter-hour intervals as if reassurance could ward off predators. When startled by an elephant’s trumpet, the guide’s cough, or a falling leaf, it emits a soft whimper and silently mouths the words, ‘helicopter extraction is covered.’

The Influencer
Bright plumage and frequent costume changes make the Influencer easy to identify. This species stands on vehicle seats, angling phones to ensure the elephant is visible yet blurred behind. Its survival depends upon golden-hour lighting and the occasional dramatic gasp of “I manifested this.” Though rarely observing the animals directly, the Influencer flourishes in captured form. In lean times—overcast skies, without wildlife—it grows listless, snapping at companions. At its most vigorous, it will attempt a mating display: holding eye contact with its phone for thirty full seconds, before sighing, “That’s the one.” 🐘

Thanks to Neve for the illustration.

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